Read them and see if you understand why they are funny...
Source:
http://www.thailandteaching.asia/teachers-lounge/6315-grammar-jokes.html
- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
- Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying "Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly over and over again.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren't always necessary and shouldn't be used to excess so don't.
- Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.
- All generalizations are bad.
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake (Unless they are as good as gold).
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.
- Don't overuse exclamation points!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.
- Don't use too many quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.. Tell me what you know."
- If you've heard it once, you've heard it a billion times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Besides,
hyperbole is always overdone, anyway. - Puns are for children, not groan readers.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions? However, what if there were no rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic matters.
- People don't spell "a lot" correctly alot of the time.
- Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly.
- All grammar and spelling rules have exceptions (with a few exceptions)....Morgan's Law.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- The dash - a sometimes useful punctuation mark - can often be overused - even though it's a helpful tool some of the time.
- Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any words.
- In writing, it's important to remember that dangling sentences.
- It is important to use italics for emphasis sparingly.
- In good writing, for good reasons, under normal circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited numbers and with great caution.
- Avoid going out on tangents unrelated to your subject -- not the subject of a sentence -- that's another story (like the stories written by Ernest Hemingway, who by the way wrote the great fisherman story The Old Man and the Sea).
- Complete sentences. Like rule 10.
- Unless you're a righteous expert don't try to be too cool with slang to which you're not hip.
- If you must use slang, avoid out-of-date slang. Right on!
- You'll look poorly if you misuse adverbs.
- Use the ellipsis ( . . . ) to indicate missing . . .
- Use brackets to indicate that you [ not Shakespeare, for example ] are giving people [ in your class ] information so that they [ the people in your class ] know about whom you are speaking. But do not use brackets when making these references [ to other authors ] excessively.
- Note: People just can't stomach too much use of the colon.
- Between good grammar and bad grammar, good grammar is the best.
- There are so many great grammar rules that I can't decide between them.
- In English, unlike German, the verb early in the sentence, not later, should be placed.
- When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Source:
http://www.thailandteaching.asia/teachers-lounge/6315-grammar-jokes.html